People often tell me that I’m “such a strong person.” I take this as a compliment most of the time, but there are other times when I question whether this their way of politely saying that I’m emotionally broken.
Throughout the years I have built walls around myself. I have had people hurt me emotionally, been let down too many times, lost people who meant the world to me and have been lied to countless amounts of times. My walls protect me from being hurt again. These walls keep me “strong,” they keep me from showing people my weaknesses.
If you ask my husband he’ll tell that you that all I do is cry, because he’s one of the few people who I’m comfortable enough with to show my true emotions to. If you ask my mom, she’ll tell you that I’m a very strong person. What she won’t tell you is that I’m also a pretty sensitive person, she’s seen me at my worst and she’s seen me at my best. She’s one of my best friends so she’s watched those walls build throughout the years. She’s someone who is always there for me when I am having a hard time.
I like being a strong person, I don’t like crying in front of people because it makes me feel very vulnerable. Few people have actually seen me cry, let alone cry multiple times. Like my best friend says “you’re a tough shell to crack,” and she’s absolutely correct. My walls are tall and they are thick, I don’t like to let people see past those walls.I like being a strong person, I don't like crying in front of people because it makes me feel… Click To Tweet
As much as I don’t want to let people in, and I like being a strong person, I also feel awful when I’m the only person not crying at a funeral or when someone gets hurt in an accident. Just because I’m not crying does not mean that I’m not hurting, it does not mean that I’m heartless, honestly, I wish that I could cry in situations like that sometimes. There are moments when something will touch me and a few tears will sneak out and I feel human again.
The day after I gave birth to our oldest son at 26 weeks (you can read that story here) my OBGYN came into my room the next morning and said that he was concerned about me because I seemed “too happy,” he was concerned that I wasn’t processing what had just happened properly. I explained to him that I had cried all night long and I just don’t like to cry in front of people, but I appreciated his concern. When bad things happen, I do cry, actually I tend to cry a lot, just not in front of people. I will hold my breath and close my eyes until the feeling of crying has passed if I’m in front of people. I remember doing that very exact thing when the doctor told me that I was going to be giving birth to our son that day. I was so scared, but I had to stay strong, I had to be brave, I could not cry.I was so scared, but I had to stay strong, I had to be brave, I could not cry. Click To Tweet
I’ve started to realize that I need to start to let those walls down a little. It’s ok to cry sometimes in front of people. I need to stop making people think that I’m emotionally broken. It’s ok to let people know that I’m hurting, it’s normal to hurt. I need to find a balance between being emotionally open and being the strong person that I have become.
I need to be realistic and know that my walls will never come down completely. They are there for a reason but it’s ok to lower them a bit. It’s ok to allow people to see me cry sometimes.